Writing this in a coffee shop real fast this though it’ll probably be posted around midnight. I put out my first EP today. There will be more songs stacked on but I just wanted to get some out for the promoters kind enough to book my shows across the country this October. A story:

Last year I fell in love for maybe the second time and it was terrible. Long distance was an awkward circumstance for two people who hate commitment but communicate well because we were best friends. I think we both loved eachother very much, in some amorphous capacity, but just planted ourselves in a standstill. He cheated on me and I’m still mad at him, but I mean, we had no gameplan. It had to be miserable on both ends. Just two people hanging on to a love we didn’t label because in some way it was more earnest than a romance. We were just a match.

I’ve dedicated these last 10 months to looking for matches, not necessarily with any permanence. Just people who soothe the soul.

It’s gone in two phases for me, like a fire up and a cool down. I made a big old human interaction body count. I’ve been focusing entirely on myself. I learned to play the drums and guitar better and made a solo project and am setting up a tour. I’ve met a million people who I’m very grateful to now know. I’ve met some people who’ve wanted me to commit and I couldn’t, and I’ve met some people who I would’ve committed to but can’t pinpoint why.

I never really shook the feeling of being lonely, and I’m looking for something bigger now I think. I want to watch Netflix and play video games and focus on connections that aren’t extraordinary. Love doesn’t make me feel trapped like it used to, but I’m running into a problem: I can’t help it.

I’m writing this to be accountable and also to explain my writings for this project. I did so many cool things in 2018 but I was too sad to see them. I went to India and there was this weight over my head every time I got a text in the morning that the person I’d be willing to be loyal to was always a little more distanced than I could handle. I waited for texts back until it made me nauseous, blurring out the rest of my day for a message that would be ultimately unsatisfactory. I got embarrassed and stop talking to my friends about anything. I let myself spiral into an aloneness I’m still digging out of.

A lot of my life is shaped around the feeling of escape from loss.

These songs don’t often have much of a conclusion. I’m trying to figure it out. This is all the advice I’m certain on: don’t ever feel like you’re too much because somebody else plays it cool to protect themselves. Don’t ever deny yourself the feeling of care even if it means needing a while to get over it, or to deal with any sense of embarrassment. If it’s hurting you, dude, there are a million loveable people. Intimacy reinvents itself in different voices. Let go.

Here’s some attic recordings about men and friends and winter in Fargo, ND. Very grateful for the specific set of people who I love and get to hear this. Also grateful that a couple specific people recognized on this lil set don’t have social media accounts heh heh heh

Thanks,
Anj